Are you seeking control or co-operation?

The great thing about exerting control is that it solves your problem quickly. When there's a problem you as a parent escalate things. You raise your voice; you warn of consequences; you apply sanctions; you preempt any response from the child that isn't the response you want, and you escalate again until you get your way. 

We've all been there, and frankly, sometimes there is no alternative. But is it the best way to do parenting?  Just in case you're one of a tiny number of people who have never heard this saying, “Giving a person a fish feeds them for a day, but teaching them to fish feeds them for life.” 

Win their co-operation once and for all.

The point is, if you win your child's cooperation you've won it for life. But if all you can do is control them in the moment then you'll have to do it all over again in the next moment that arises. So, your options are 'exert control every time', or 'win their co-operation once and for all.'

When co-operation becomes the norm it grows on its  own. 

There are also massive fringe benefits in winning a child's cooperation.  Firstly, cooperation spreads out into other areas of life. It becomes the norm. If your child has learned to cooperate about leaving the play park then they'll probably quickly learn to be cooperative at the swimming pool. 

Trying to win a child's cooperation depends on you as a parent thinking more creatively about how you respond to them. Persuading somebody to cooperate depends on them knowing what it is you want them to do and understanding why they should want that too. As you seek to develop that understanding you will be helping your child to learn more about the world around them, and our shared human condition. Both are fringe benefits.

Bringing out the best in you and your child

Seeking co-operation draws out the best in you as a parent. And it draws out the best in your child.  Best of all, there is no kick-back from a co-operative child. A child who is being 'made' to do things is more likely to resist, or try to manipulate the situation, and of course, if their boundaries are set by your power play, when the cat's away the mice will play.

Children love being in control 

Exerting control is tiresome, less productive, and in the long term more demanding. It invites the child to be awkward and difficult. On the other hand, children like feeling grown up and taking responsibility. It goes with the flow towards independence. 

How to persuade children to co-operate

When children understand what your needs are they will usually want to help you meet them. They are more likely to co-operate when they understand what the consequences of not doing so are.  There may be some things your child has to unlearn, if they are used to only doing what you want 'under pressure'.