What if it doesn’t work?

In a previous blog, I suggested that children are less likely to show problematic behaviour if you explain why you need their help to complete your essential chores and tasks. A parent commented that this is something a lot of parents already try and do – but sometimes it doesn’t work! And if there isn’t time to do this - is there a 'quick' version? There’s a lot to unpack here…In fact, there is too much to consider in a single blog.

Here’s a reminder of what I said in that blog (if you want to read it there is a link to the blog below).

• Our responses to our children’s behaviour is affected by our immediate plans, our mood, and the actual and social impact of what they are doing.
• We should take the time to reflect on what our children’s behaviour means.
• Our children will be more co-operative if they feel they are contributing to the success of what is important.

Quick fixes

Quick fixes seldom work because they aren’t fine-tuned to the situation and to the needs of the child.

When to talk to your children

The best time to talk to your child is not in the middle of the supermarket when you are trying to manage children and do the shopping. The time to talk to your children is between one supermarket visit and the next. Just before bedtime is a good time, but other options are available and it depends on their age. Talking to them in the car is another good option, provided there few distractions.

What should you say?

You will need to use language your children can understand, which depends on their age and their language skills. Requests for co-operation are most effective when children are able to understand:

• what you need to do,
• how it makes you feel when you cannot meet your need because of what they are doing,
• how it would make you feel if they co-operated.

You need to explain to them clearly what that co-operation looks like and be able to identify your own feelings and needs and share this. 

Other things to consider

• Are our expectations reasonable in the light of the children’s own needs? Do they have the resources to do what you ask? See blog ‘When your child is running on empty’.
• What could you change about the situation so that the problems do not arise? It’s easier to change your own behaviour than to change someone else’s. See blog: ‘You change and I’ll change!’
• If at first you don’t succeed try again – sometimes lessons need to be repeated many times. It can help to have your own ‘label’ for the behaviour you are trying to encourage, so that you can remind the child quickly and easily at the time. For instance, ‘sharing the shopping chores with mummy/ daddy’).
• Children easily forget lessons to start with. And when their personal resources are low, it is all too easy for them to relapse to more primitive demand behaviours (see Blog ‘from 0 to 18 in 6500 days).